4
Mar
2017

After my cardiologist yelled* at me, back in late November, about gaining instead of losing excess weight, I have ramped up my exercise.  I’ve worked up to the ability to walk three miles without feeling terrible afterward. In fact, I can walk a lot longer as evidenced by the 7.5 mile trek I took with my sister a couple of weekends ago.  When that little junket was complete, my feet hurt so badly in the evening, I thought I would never walk again. However, a new pair of walking shoes has remedied that issue.  When shoes wear out, you really do feel it.

Now, for the past couple of days, I’ve had a painful sensation in my lower back.  It is more pronounced when I am sitting than standing, so I suppose I need to keep moving.  But, it feels as if I jumped out of a high window, landed on my heels, and jarred my back.  I just wish it would go away, because I want to be rewarded for improving my health, not punished!  I suppose, I am just getting older and experiencing some wear and tear.

On the positive side, though, I have met my first goal of 5% weight loss.  I am losing pounds very, very slowly, may about 1/2 pound per week, but as long as it is consistent, I am happy with that.  I looked back at my history, and I am now only 2 pounds heavier than when my mother first received her cancer diagnosis that scrambled all of our world, greatly.  I think when I hit that benchmark, then I can look forward to the next goal of getting into one of my evening gowns.   I have three evening gowns that I absolutely love, each one size bigger than the previous!  So, if I can get back into those, one at a time, over the rest of this year, I’ll be ecstatic when the time comes to really wear one again.

Happy trails, y’all. Now that the weather is warmer, I will see you outside.

*Actually, he didn’t yell at me; he was fussing at me.  But, he’s from Georgia (Eastern European State, not Eastern Atlantic State), so he has this terrifying sounding accent.  “Zhou MUST NOT Gain Ze Weight!!!”  He can say “Good Morning,” and it sounds malicious. But, he is a very nice and professional man, or I wouldn’t continue to go to his practice.

14
Jan
2017

My mother died in September, a little over a year after her Stage IV cancer diagnosis. She never came to terms with the necessity of moving into a nursing home due to her extreme physical de-conditioning and medical care needs.  Also, especially the last 6 months or so, she was exhibiting more and more cognitive impairment.  This didn’t help the fact that she couldn’t understand the situation; she was very angry with me most of the time.

Since she passed, I’ve been having occasional  nightmares about her.  Not necessarily scary dreams, but they disturb me and interrupt my sleep – I’ll be cranky and tired the next day or two, as well.

These dreams almost always take the form of being in an institutional like setting.  The most recent seemed like we were sitting in a school cafeteria, crafting, in a brightly lit area at the long tables.  In every dream, she is in her wheelchair, looking like she did soon after her diagnosis, before she became really frail.

Usually, I have a vivid feeling that she is there, and she is glaring at me with her mad face (I saw a lot of that in real life), and she is very angry with me.  She doesn’t say much to me, just pierces me with dagger eyes, until something snaps me out of it – my subconscious tells me, this isn’t real. She’s no longer here.  But, I wake up feeling sad, and terrible, and just defeated.

So, I was telling my sister about it recently.  She offered the idea that Mom was maybe in Purgatory, working through her anger and it was coming through to me.  I said, but why do I have to be there with her? Do I at least get credit when it’s my turn?

And, my sister said, oh,after this past year, you get AP credit.  You definitely get AP credit.

22
Jun
2016

So.

You may have noticed that not much has been going on over here in my little corner of the world.  Everytime I think I can carve out a little time for this ole baby blog, it seems the universe has other ideas.

My Mom has had another medical crisis, involving both a sudden surge in blood sugar (500+) AND several strokes – “Showers” of strokes, as the neurologist said.  This necessitated surgery to remove some blockages, and now some extra recovery time.   So, I’ve had to set aside some free time (willingly), and assist her in managing the many new appointments we have to get to.

14
Sep
2015

My mother has Stage IV, very, very likely terminal in a not so very long time form of cancer. She asked me to get her some sort of computer so she can get her email and browse the internet where she is recuperating from surgery.

I thought, she needs something easy to use, inexpensive, and must have a real keyboard, not a touch screen. So, I headed off to the big box electronic store to have a look at the chromebooks.

The sales fruit fly immediately began buzzing me. I told him what I was looking for, price and lightweight being key factors, and he kept trying to convince me that I wanted an upgrade. After a round of Pentium (fast) vs. Celeron (slow), I told him I’m looking at the el cheapo. Then he smugly said, those are only going to last a couple of years, max.

I finally became so annoyed with this guy that I snapped, “Well she has a TERMINAL illness, so I don’t think that will factor into this decision.” Poor guy. I thought he was going to cry.

I didn’t buy anything there because I was irritated. So, I meandered over to the nearby office store to look. When that helpful sales guy came up, I started off with the “She’s terminal, she just wants something simple, I just don’t want to spend a ton.” He helped me quickly choose, and then, he said, “I guess you won’t be purchasing that extended warranty, huh?”

Yes. I know my sense of humor can be sick, but really, I’d much rather laugh than cry. I’ve done enough of that.