1
Apr
2017

The end of this coming week will mark 7 months since Mom died. In some ways it seems forever ago, in others, it seems like yesterday.

A few months before her final days, I left an extremely stressful position and took a college teaching position.  I have been enjoying it because even though teaching, grading and prepping can be a lot of work – trying to keep ahead of the semester, etc. –  I don’t find it to be terribly difficult.   I also have enough flexibility in my schedule that I can exercise more, AND, teaching is not sedentary for me.  I tend to walk back and forth in front of the white boards – a LOT!  I have been averaging two miles or about 5000 steps a day just teaching.  The new activity level has helped, and I have made a conscientious effort to exercise (walk) harder several times a week at the urging of my Cardiologist.  I have lost 12 pounds off my heaviest weight, and last week I hit a milestone that is important to me.  I now weigh the same as I did before Mom’s crisis and Stage IV cancer diagnosis almost 2 years ago, upturned all our lives.   I will not be complacent, however, as I still have a long way to go to get back into a reasonably healthy weight.

Spring is here. The sky is spectacularly beautiful.  I hear birds chirping.  I see little children eagerly anticipating the end of the school year – I also see it in my college seniors!!!

I feel happy. I feel content.  I am looking forward to my college freshman girlie coming home for the summer in a few weeks.

I am blessed.

14
Jan
2017

My mother died in September, a little over a year after her Stage IV cancer diagnosis. She never came to terms with the necessity of moving into a nursing home due to her extreme physical de-conditioning and medical care needs.  Also, especially the last 6 months or so, she was exhibiting more and more cognitive impairment.  This didn’t help the fact that she couldn’t understand the situation; she was very angry with me most of the time.

Since she passed, I’ve been having occasional  nightmares about her.  Not necessarily scary dreams, but they disturb me and interrupt my sleep – I’ll be cranky and tired the next day or two, as well.

These dreams almost always take the form of being in an institutional like setting.  The most recent seemed like we were sitting in a school cafeteria, crafting, in a brightly lit area at the long tables.  In every dream, she is in her wheelchair, looking like she did soon after her diagnosis, before she became really frail.

Usually, I have a vivid feeling that she is there, and she is glaring at me with her mad face (I saw a lot of that in real life), and she is very angry with me.  She doesn’t say much to me, just pierces me with dagger eyes, until something snaps me out of it – my subconscious tells me, this isn’t real. She’s no longer here.  But, I wake up feeling sad, and terrible, and just defeated.

So, I was telling my sister about it recently.  She offered the idea that Mom was maybe in Purgatory, working through her anger and it was coming through to me.  I said, but why do I have to be there with her? Do I at least get credit when it’s my turn?

And, my sister said, oh,after this past year, you get AP credit.  You definitely get AP credit.

22
Jun
2016

So.

You may have noticed that not much has been going on over here in my little corner of the world.  Everytime I think I can carve out a little time for this ole baby blog, it seems the universe has other ideas.

My Mom has had another medical crisis, involving both a sudden surge in blood sugar (500+) AND several strokes – “Showers” of strokes, as the neurologist said.  This necessitated surgery to remove some blockages, and now some extra recovery time.   So, I’ve had to set aside some free time (willingly), and assist her in managing the many new appointments we have to get to.

23
May
2016

I invented a new word today.

My mother has been in the hospital for 13 days, after having some strokes, and assorted other issues, necessitating surgery and a blood transfusion.  She is to be discharged tomorrow.

Knowing that she was being cared for today, and feeling as if I didn’t need to camp out in her hospital room all day in case the doctors come by with some tidbits of very important data, I decided to take a last minute outing with my daughter in search of something fun.

We were searching for glees – that’s a creation of my sister… a noun I’ve never really seen used in  a plural form.

I turned to my daughter, and articulated that I hoped nothing urgent happened back home, because, you know, sometimes searching for the glees can result in gleepercussions.

She stared at me, as you probably are staring at your screen right now, trying to decide whether to laugh, or smack me.

Then we saw a bald eagle go soaring by and ate snow balls until we got sick.