Because I always seem to be so busy these days – aside, I thought I was told that less busy was the norm when the kids become more independent – I seem to have tons of trouble even remembering what I was going to write about. Often, I have good ideas, quick turn around topics, and such, but if I do not capture the details right then, it is going to be very difficult to recreate later. (One of the “perks” of aging – I cannot remember a damn thing anymore!).   So, sometimes I will create a draft in WordPress, jot down a few lines to hopefully jog my memory later.  Only, I am not sure if that is really going to work.  I am perusing my rough draft folder, right here, right now.  I am not really sure I wrote ALL of them.

The top three items in my folder right now are:

3 for 1 Sale at Gangsters are Us:  I remember that one. It’s a photograph of three people who wore the same gangster costume to one of my sister’s murder mystery parties.  That party was more than 6 years ago!  The photograph creeps me out a little bit, because I was cross-dressing that night and was actually one of the three gangsters.  It’s weirdly eerie how much I resemble my late father in it – rather tough for me to put it out there. So I won’t.

Blame Game: This one is from January of this year, so it is fairly recent.  I even wrote several bullets, apparently to remind me of what I was so stirred up about.  There are nuggets like social warrior nut jobs and celebrity worship culture.  But, I have NO idea what it was about.  Nothing.  Not a sliver!  Maybe it will come to me.

Watching a Human Give Up:  I absolutely know what this is about.  There was a moment where I saw in my mom’s demeanor that when she received her cancer diagnosis, she completely shut down, and I knew she was giving up on everything.  What surprises me, in hindsight, is the date of the draft.  It’s August 10, 2015.  That is maybe the day or very soon after the day that we learned how bad it really was.  So, it was at the VERY beginning of a very long and difficult year for everyone involved.  Wow.  That one hit me hard, in the gut.

I hope you enjoyed the brief tour of what is jostling about in my brain.  Have a great weekend, and if you are blessed as we are this week in North Alabama, enjoy the weather outside.


The end of this coming week will mark 7 months since Mom died. In some ways it seems forever ago, in others, it seems like yesterday.

A few months before her final days, I left an extremely stressful position and took a college teaching position.  I have been enjoying it because even though teaching, grading and prepping can be a lot of work – trying to keep ahead of the semester, etc. –  I don’t find it to be terribly difficult.   I also have enough flexibility in my schedule that I can exercise more, AND, teaching is not sedentary for me.  I tend to walk back and forth in front of the white boards – a LOT!  I have been averaging two miles or about 5000 steps a day just teaching.  The new activity level has helped, and I have made a conscientious effort to exercise (walk) harder several times a week at the urging of my Cardiologist.  I have lost 12 pounds off my heaviest weight, and last week I hit a milestone that is important to me.  I now weigh the same as I did before Mom’s crisis and Stage IV cancer diagnosis almost 2 years ago, upturned all our lives.   I will not be complacent, however, as I still have a long way to go to get back into a reasonably healthy weight.

Spring is here. The sky is spectacularly beautiful.  I hear birds chirping.  I see little children eagerly anticipating the end of the school year – I also see it in my college seniors!!!

I feel happy. I feel content.  I am looking forward to my college freshman girlie coming home for the summer in a few weeks.

I am blessed.


My mother died in September, a little over a year after her Stage IV cancer diagnosis. She never came to terms with the necessity of moving into a nursing home due to her extreme physical de-conditioning and medical care needs.  Also, especially the last 6 months or so, she was exhibiting more and more cognitive impairment.  This didn’t help the fact that she couldn’t understand the situation; she was very angry with me most of the time.

Since she passed, I’ve been having occasional  nightmares about her.  Not necessarily scary dreams, but they disturb me and interrupt my sleep – I’ll be cranky and tired the next day or two, as well.

These dreams almost always take the form of being in an institutional like setting.  The most recent seemed like we were sitting in a school cafeteria, crafting, in a brightly lit area at the long tables.  In every dream, she is in her wheelchair, looking like she did soon after her diagnosis, before she became really frail.

Usually, I have a vivid feeling that she is there, and she is glaring at me with her mad face (I saw a lot of that in real life), and she is very angry with me.  She doesn’t say much to me, just pierces me with dagger eyes, until something snaps me out of it – my subconscious tells me, this isn’t real. She’s no longer here.  But, I wake up feeling sad, and terrible, and just defeated.

So, I was telling my sister about it recently.  She offered the idea that Mom was maybe in Purgatory, working through her anger and it was coming through to me.  I said, but why do I have to be there with her? Do I at least get credit when it’s my turn?

And, my sister said, oh,after this past year, you get AP credit.  You definitely get AP credit.



You may have noticed that not much has been going on over here in my little corner of the world.  Everytime I think I can carve out a little time for this ole baby blog, it seems the universe has other ideas.

My Mom has had another medical crisis, involving both a sudden surge in blood sugar (500+) AND several strokes – “Showers” of strokes, as the neurologist said.  This necessitated surgery to remove some blockages, and now some extra recovery time.   So, I’ve had to set aside some free time (willingly), and assist her in managing the many new appointments we have to get to.